I once dated a guy who told me I was too demanding. They were not in any bit pleasant words to hear. I chewed on these words, digested them, regurgitated and then chewed them again and they always left a bitter taste in my mouth. I kept thinking about what it was about me that made him think that way about me. please note that those who know me and I mean really know me know that I don’t attach monetary requirements to my relationships (at least back then I didn’t). I didn’t really ask for money A LOT, with this particular person, and we didn’t spend a lot of time together cos it was one of those long-distance relationships. So, for him to say that I was too demanding was harsh. What I heard when he said that “was you are asking for too much, be grateful for what you are getting”.
Hearing this from him made me cautious and added to my already existing insecurities (caring more about what people thought and said about me rather than what I thought or said about myself being one of those major insecurities). I began asking less from and about him for fear of being “too demanding” (please note that I naturally ask A LOT of questions, I AM VERY INQUISITIVE), I began calling less, and basically resorted to just saying yes and ok. Sadly, the effects of just this one statement went on even further than our breakup. I would meet a guy and as soon as I realized his interest in me, I would withdraw for fear of him realizing how “demanding” I am. It actually became my defense strategy, as soon as someone asked me out, I would be like “mm will you handle, me am too “demanding”. I remember having a conversation with a friend about what qualities I wanted to have in a guy. And every time this question was asked, I had no idea what I wanted. Cos every time I wanted to say something I thought, that’s too demanding, be modest, you are expecting too much. Where will you get that.
I would like to be very clear from the onset that expectation is not pressure. It is a idea, a feeling, a vision, a need, an ideal that you communicate to an individual with an aim of them understanding who you are, what you stand for and what you are working towards. This is to help such an individual and yourself decide whether they fit in your space by either complementing, aiding or challenging you.
There are people that I will always hold accountable and who I hope hold me accountable too. Because to me accountability translates love. Living life without expectations from people though most say is freeing, doesn’t really sit well with me. When you are a part of my life, I will most certainly expect some things from you and vice versa otherwise why are you here in the first place. When people fail to meet expectations, it’s very and I repeat very ok to remove ourselves from their spaces or them from ours. Employers do it all the time and its normal (YOUR PERFORMANCE IS BELOW EXPECTATIONS). The reason why a company or employer will let you go with such a reason is because with you, they will not get what they envision. They work from the end result; their vision determines the people they want in their space. Maybe we need to normalize it too. You see, the people we surround ourselves with always reflect us. After being in certain spaces, with or without being taught or told we will pick up habits. But when you don’t know the kind of person you are made to be or what quality of life you want to live, you will not hold the people around you accountable or expect anything from them and you will even be afraid to speak up when you are being treated wrong. Sadly though, you will not even know when they are pulling you down.
It’s only when we have expectations of people that we can hold them accountable. Have expectations of people and hold them accountable for how they behave or treat you because you deserve to be valued and treated right. Be bold to tell that person OR people in your life that if they are not going to live up to certain expectations or standards then its ok for them to walk away, and be bold enough to walk away YOURSELF and let them go.
There is no growth where there are no expectations. Expectations challenge us and every time we try to meet expectations or live up to them, it shows that we value that person or place and want to be a part of them and hence we will grow. If you love a job or organization, you will always work to meet or exceed expectations (anything contrary communicates a disassociation or misplaced passion). IT SHOULD BE THE SAME WITH OUR RELATIONSHIPS!!!!
Most people have failed to grow or become their best self because the people who surround them are “understanding” they are not challenged in any way and nothing is really expected of them. Our environment makes us and while discussing with a friend in one of our awesome car rides, it actually downed on me that if I have a goal or fighting an addiction or a character flaw per say, the people I surround myself with will either aid the flaw or help me overcome it. When I want to be a generous person, I expect the people I interact with to be either working towards the same or are already super generous individuals so that their traits can rub off on me.
In one of Oprah Winfry’s Life classes with Bishop TD JAKES, they talk about being a voluminous person expecting from pint people. You see the person you are expecting from may be giving you the best they can offer, and yet that doesn’t fill you up. It’s like expecting droplets from a tap to fill an ocean. You will only get frustrated and the other person will feel worn out from the constant expectations hence labeling you “too demanding.” Please note in this case there is nothing wrong with either parties, it’s just an issue of being wrongly placed or call it misplaced expectations. Each of these people can find individuals who appreciate them for who they are. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. And I believe that it’s also ok to have expectations from certain people in our lives. a married couple is expected to be faithful to each other and they should expect this of each other. I expect loyalty from my friends and they expect this of me too, I expect great things from God and nothing less, my son expects love and attention from me and that is what I will give him. The problem comes in when we expect things from people who don’t have these things to offer.
Our next discussion will probably be on how to deal with unmet expectations but for now;
Have expectation for every area of your life, your marriage, friendships, job, employers and MOST IMPORTANTLY FROM YOURSELF!!!
Mathew 25:14-28
Jz World 